2 Ways To Be Nice To You

Many of the problems that distress us have a common origin: the lack of self-esteem. Thanks to all the external pressures (to which we are subjected), to our own self-demand and the feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, we can treat ourselves too harshly. Therefore, if you want to improve your mood, you need to learn to be kind to yourself.

Compassion for oneself is a concept that first emerged in the Buddhist religion. Being kind to yourself involves copying the tone and generosity with which you would treat a close friend, rather than falling into self-criticism that really leads to nothing. Without realizing it, many times, we talk to each other as if we were our own worst enemy.

Research shows that to be kind to yourself you need to develop three skills:

• Autobonity. It consists of the ability to act in an understanding and kind way with oneself. Doing so would imply, for example, forgiving ourselves rather than blaming ourselves for making a mistake.
• Sense of shared humanity. This element, with such a peculiar name, actually hides a very basic attitude. It consists in believing that nobody is perfect, and that we all have the right to be wrong. This helps us understand that we are neither better nor worse than the rest.
• Mindfulness. The ability to live in the present moment helps us to relativize our problems when they arise. In addition, it helps us to be more stoic, increasing our patience with ourselves.

How to develop the ability to be kind to yourself?

Now that you know what skills are involved in self-compassion, you are probably wondering how to develop them. And it is that  it is not about characteristics that are installed in us at birth (perhaps there is a pre-installation, a potentiality favored by genetics, but no more). Thus, being kind to yourself is going to demand a conscious effort and a good deal of work.

In this case, researchers have found that  one of the best strategies to develop self-compassion is to take care of the quality of the questions. Asking certain questions can cause us to change our point of view and our way of acting. This, which is important when it comes to interacting with others, becomes fundamental in dealing with us. Here are two of the most powerful questions to learn to be kind to yourself.

1- What do I need to be well?

This question may seem extremely simple, but most of us don’t ask ourselves routinely. In general,  we are so preoccupied with what we “need to do” that we forget about our own needs.

One of the distorted ideas that lead us to this is that  we associate selfishness with something negative. If a person declares that he wants to work on his own happiness, he will soon receive a suspicious look. Shouldn’t he be sacrificing himself for others? But, as Aristotle said, caring for oneself, far from being bad, is necessary.

And it is that, to be able to give ourselves to others, we first need to have something to give. Think about it, who can do more good? A person who is unhappy because he doesn’t care about himself? Or, on the contrary, the  one who feels good about himself because he takes care of his own needs ?

2- How would you treat a loved one in this situation?

On many occasions, we can become our worst enemies. Nobody judges us as harshly as we ourselves or asks us as much. This  can lead to serious self-esteem problems, by demanding a perfection that is impossible to achieve. Imagine that you have argued with your partner and guilt begins to overwhelm you. In this situation, it is common for us to say things like:

• “If I always do everything wrong.”
• “But how can I be so insensitive?”
• “In the end I’m going to end up alone, as usual”

The next time you catch yourself mulling over these irrational ideas, imagine you were saying them to someone very close to you. How would it suit you? Do you think you are really helping him?

If the answer is no, why do you treat yourself worse than others?

conclusion

Treating yourself with self-compassion is a very difficult skill to acquire. Although being critical of ourselves can help us change, taking this attitude to the extreme  ends up causing us great amounts of suffering. For this reason, it is worth it that you learn to be nice to yourself.

What is the next step? Now that you know these two questions, make the decision to ask yourself  the next time you are judging yourself too harshly. Although it may be difficult at first, you will notice how little by little treating yourself with kindness becomes something more natural.