6 Myths About Grief

Margaret Rojas

When we lose someone, do we know what to do? No, right? This is because from a young age they teach us how to behave in certain situations, how to get things done, how to speak … But no one has taught us what to do when someone leaves us and we are mired in grief.

Today we will talk about 6 erroneous beliefs  that have been instilled in both society and in our homes to cope with grief. They sound familiar to you, right?

1. “One nail pulls out another nail”

We have been taught that to overcome a loss we must replace it. For example, if our pet dies, we buy another. So what are we being taught?

Replacing someone will provide us with the relief we seek from pain. Does the expression “there are many fish in the sea” sound familiar to you ? You have probably said it to others or they have said it to you, especially when a breakup occurs. Are you relieved to be told? Do you feel stronger?

We should never! try to replace something that has mattered to us. Even if there are more couples or another partner who can come to occupy our lives, it will not be the same. Why escape from our pain? Are we so weak that we can’t handle it?

2. If you suffer, suffer alone

When someone cries, they turn away; when we suffer, we want to be alone. This they have taught us. You should never cry in public, repress your feelings!

Before a duel if we want to cry we will do it in privacy. Showing our emotions publicly embarrasses us. Sadness does not appear accompanied, unlike joy. This only shows us that sadness is not good, it is not a desired emotion. But unwanted by others who look uncomfortable when someone is sad, because for us it is an emotion like any other that we cannot avoid.

3. “Time heals everything”

Another belief that has been instilled in us is that with the passage of time everything is forgotten and the pain goes away. We must specify: it depends on the person and what the person who has left means to you.

The idea that “time heals everything” is given because over time we are no longer as sad as when the loss is recent. This does not imply that our pain will heal. A mother whose child has died will probably never heal the wound that her leaving caused her. Years can pass and that pain will never find calm or healing. Of course, you learn to live with that pain.

4. In a week you will

Is it that perhaps the duel takes the time counted? The duel is personal. For some it will last a week, others months and other years. Downplaying it by saying that it will pass in a certain time is cynical.

Let’s not forget that we have lost someone. The duration will depend on ourselves and the affection we had for that someone. We will not overcome the duel when we want, we will overcome it when we are ready.

5. You have to distract yourself

Distraction relieves and heals us, according to beliefs. False! Being busy does not distract us, and even less does it heal our wounds. Our emotions cannot be fooled. We can postpone our duel but not end it. Sooner or later it will appear again and with more force.

Accept your pain, let it flow. Don’t try to distract yourself from what you feel. Accept it, own it and feel it. You cannot reject something that is natural, something that inevitably has to happen. Even if you don’t want to, even if you rebel, even if you refuse, the pain will continue there.

6. Be strong!

Enduring and being strong are two principles so as not to collapse in the face of a loss. On the contrary, those who follow these principles are the first to fall apart. Why? Because they carry pain inside. They put on a mask of fortitude and strength, while inside they are sunk.

Here is the fearsome weakness. The one that we do not want anyone to notice, but that everyone has known. Why can’t we be weak? Why this fictitious force that we don’t really have? We are not statues! We feel, we suffer and we suffer. Let’s put false appearances aside.

These are the 6 beliefs about grief that we learn and that mark our lives. Have you felt identified with each of them? Surely yes. Continuously, we are avoiding feeling, distracting ourselves from what hurts us, being strong when in reality we are weak … Let us assume our grief and avoid these beliefs that make us vulnerable. Pain does not weaken, pain makes you aware of what you wanted so much.