How To Face Coexistence In Rebuilt Families?

Reconstructed families are common today. There are divorces and separations in couples who have children together. Later, it is normal for these fathers and mothers to end up having new relationships with other people. And these in turn may also have children from previous couples.

Thus, families are reformulated. Children of different parents come together in the same home and, at times, it becomes difficult for coexistence to be pleasant and peaceful. The situation is not simple, but it is the adults who can implement some strategies to try to manage everything as well as possible … Find out which ones!

What are the difficulties that rebuilt families present?

It is clear that each family is different, but in this type of reconstructed families a series of common difficulties can appear. For example, ignorance and uncertainty are common. This can happen because neither the couple nor the children know how to behave with each other or what to expect from each other.

Also the stepfather or the stepmother can try to please their stepchildren by all possible means, in order to make them see that they are not “evil” as some stories and social myths establish. On the other hand, they may find that children reject them, ignore what they are told and lack authority for them.

In addition, you have to assume that the biological father-son relationships are going to be a priority for your partner, so it can be relegated to the background. Another fact that can be conflictive in the relationship is the financial difficulties that can occur due to child support and ex-partners.

As children often live in different houses under joint custody, it becomes complex to make daily decisions in the family organization. Something that can lead to problems both in the relationship, as with the ex-spouses and with the children themselves. Finally, they can feel disloyal towards one of their parents if they have a good relationship with their stepfather or stepmother.

What can parents do to improve coexistence?

These situations are common and normal in this type of reconstructed families, due to the novelty and lack of knowledge about how to deal with them. But they can generate discomfort and conflicts, so it is important that there are rules agreed and respected by all. First of all, it is recommended that you explain to your children in advance that your partner is moving with you. Here you should emphasize the changes that will affect him, those that will not and that your love for him will not change.

It is relevant that you show this to your son and that, indeed, you are still there for him even if you have a new partner who lives with you. He has to perceive that he is one more member of the family even if he only spends seasons in your home. Here it is also relevant that you do not neglect the relationship with your partner, and that communication is fluid, both between you and with your children. Your well-being is the priority.

On the other hand, try to save time to be with your child alone: ​​think that the trust you have with you is not the one you have with your new partner. Little by little, you can gradually introduce your partner. Also, it is not good that you focus only on having fun with your child in rewarding him by buying things. It is important that you continue to behave as a father or mother who sets limits and educates.

As for the rules and tasks to be done at home, it is appropriate that you agree with your new partner before she joins the family together. If she takes the initiative in complying with any of the rules, support her, because if you give her authority you will make it easier for your child to do so.

Still, you must remember that your partner is not a substitute for the other parent of the child and that you cannot impose her as an authority figure who carries the same weight as you, especially when your children are older.

What can stepfathers and stepmothers do to improve coexistence?

But it is not only the process that is complex for parents and children. New couples, stepfathers and stepmothers, also go through difficulties and novel situations that they do not know how to deal with. It is normal that, if this is your case, you want to please and please your stepson, but do not overdo this, since taking affection for each other will take time.

It is important that, together with your partner, you analyze the time that you are going to spend with your stepson, and the degree of involvement and responsibility that you are going to adopt. It is often effective to try to have a warm and friendly relationship at first while staying out of the child’s discipline issues. You can get involved in it progressively if you wish, but it is also valid if you want to stay out of this.

In this sense, you should talk to your stepson and explain to him that you are not going to replace his other parent, but that at home you all have to comply with some rules so that coexistence is adequate. If at first the child rejects you, do not take it personally, he is going through many changes and it will be difficult for him to get used to it. Finally, discuss all this with your partner, so that you understand the other’s point of view and come to common terms.

In short, when a couple gets together in a home with children from previous relationships, conflicts and problems in coexistence can occur. This is common in most reconstructed families, since there is a considerable number of changes that, on many occasions, we do not know how to deal with.

For this reason, it is essential to make an effort on the part of all to keep the communication channels open and to reach mandatory coexistence pacts; in the face of feelings, which will or will not always arise spontaneously in rebuilt families.

Images courtesy of I’m Priscilla, Caroline Hernandez, and Andre Hunter.