How To Avoid The: “it’s Not You It’s Me “

Personal relationships are complex and challenging. Especially those of a couple, due to the higher level of involvement and intimacy that they entail. But, without a doubt, one of the hardest moments that we have to face in our love trajectory are emotional breakups. In these situations it is common to hear the hackneyed phrase: “It’s not you, it’s me.” But what does it really mean?

The reality is that this statement does not provide any truly relevant information. It means that the person who pronounces it has not wanted (or has not been able) to carry out an in-depth analysis of what is happening in herself and in her relationship. Thus, she goes to this resource to end a situation that causes her discomfort without going through the uncomfortable process of looking at herself.

A necessary explanation

When we are in a couple we acquire a certain commitment to the other person. We share experiences and feelings, we accompany each other in the happiest and hardest moments. We develop a bond that we nurture on a daily basis and, ultimately, we intertwine our paths.

That is why it is necessary to measure up when it comes time to end the relationship. Out of respect for the other person, the bond we share, and ourselves, we must have the maturity to identify what has gone wrong. And, of course, to transmit it to the other in an assertive way.

We are all in our full right to decide to end a relationship. And, of course, it is much more honest and courageous to do it on time than to let time go by fooling ourselves and our partner. However, not everything is legal when we choose to end a couple. The way we act will have consequences on the emotions and self-esteem of the other, so we have to be prudent.

If you end a relationship without explanations, or with an excuse as vague as: “It’s not you, it’s me”, you leave the person in an uncomfortable and painful situation of uncertainty. It is very likely that, in your need for answers, you blame yourself and come to the conclusion that you are insufficient as a human being. On the contrary, if we provide clear and honest information, we will help the other to have a faster and less painful duel. And to be able to apply that learning acquired in future relationships.

“It’s not you, it’s me”: it’s just an excuse

Well, in effect, the phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” says nothing. It is not a valid, acceptable or sufficient explanation. In general, it is the excuse used by those who want to end a love relationship but do not dare to delve into their feelings. With this phrase they ensure that the other does not have the opportunity to offer a change, to ensure that they can be better. They emerge unscathed and continue on their way.

However, in a human relationship there are no absolute culprits. There are shared responsibilities. It is not about pointing out the other or establishing yourself as the cause of the couple not working. It is about identifying points of view that are not shared, emotions that have been turned off, or expectations that have not been met. 

Perhaps you say that phrase because you sincerely consider that the other is a magnificent and valuable person. But this does not mean that the fault is yours, it only implies that it is not the right person for you, although it may be for someone else.

Dare to meet yourself

For this reason, it is necessary not to be afraid to look inside ourselves. To ask ourselves what is happening, what I feel or do not feel, what I want and what I fear. It is an exercise of courage and maturity knowing ourselves and assuming our wishes and needs. Only in this way will we know when a relationship needs changes, when it has to end and when we are the ones who need to heal something.

Loving requires courage, it requires knowing and embracing your shadow and not running away in hackneyed phrases when you feel something negative and don’t know what it is. Dare to discover yourself and become an emotionally healthy and mature person. Only then will you feel secure enough to offer a valuable and coherent explanation to those who, at some point, shared their life with you. Only then can you love with passion and say goodbye with respect.