I Was Born Whole, I Don’t Need A Better Half

Let’s admit it, there are many of us who keep dreaming of finding our better half. This term summarizes an ideal deeply rooted in our society where we aspire to find someone who summarizes an ideal of perfections. They are those profiles that fit into each of our fragments, they are that much desired soulmate and also the other side of our red thread.

What is the problem in assuming these concepts? Actually many. It is feeding false idealism. It is reinforcing a bias on affective relationships that can lead us to disappointment, frustration and unhappiness. This myth that Plato transmitted to us in a beautiful (but unreal) way in his work The Banquet and that it is necessary to clarify.

The false belief of the better half or soul mate

Idealizing a person with thoughts like “we are made for each other” can be dangerous. Over time and day by day we discover that far from being absolute perfection, frictions and discrepancies arise. Thus, and in case of not knowing how to approach (or accept) these, dissatisfaction and frustration appear .

Couples are not perfect and  problems will inevitably arise over time. Sometimes problems originate from differences in values, education, culture, tastes and customs … However, as John Gottman, a famous expert on relationships, explains to us that there are many of us who start relationships as a couple led almost by an ideal and are fully knowing the other.

The idea of ​​considering ourselves “incomplete beings”

The great mistake behind the myth of the better half is to consider that we are incomplete beings and that we can only achieve fulfillment by finding true love, which will be what allows us to be happy. But making all our happiness depend on a relationship is a great mistake and will prevent us, precisely, from being happy.

• People who are happy are happy regardless of whether they have a partner or not.
• We are all complete people, we do not lack a piece or a half to be able to achieve what we set out to do.
• We are whole oranges, not a better half waiting to find his other half.

In fact, the success of a relationship is that the two people are complete, independent and happy. Of course, the love between two oranges, two apples, two strawberries is much better than between two halves. It is about sharing life, the good and the bad, and enjoying the other person as they are.

Likewise, studies such as the one carried out by doctors Rusbult C. Kumashiro and Miche Kubacka remind us of the danger of feeding the so-called Michelangelo syndrome. In other words, nurturing an ideal, and basing a relationship on that aspiration towards the perfect in a bond generates suffering.

You are not half an orange, love yourself

Loving ourselves is a pending issue for many people. It is something fundamental to build our happiness and above all to relate to others. Here are some tricks to love you more:

Value your qualities

On many occasions we torture ourselves by seeing what we do wrong and feeling guilty about it, but it is necessary to put aside the bad and appreciate the great amount of good qualities that we have. Think about what you do well and write it down to see it every day and remind yourself how wonderful you are.

Don’t seek approval from others

Throughout our lives many people try to influence what we do and the decisions we make. But it is necessary to stop trying to please everyone, because it is impossible.

Sometimes we must put a limit on others so that they do not influence our feelings. Feeling good does not require the approval of other people, be it friends, family or partner.

Don’t compare yourself

We are unique beings, different from each other, the comparison will generate unhappiness. You are unique, you have weaknesses, defects, qualities and strengths that no one possesses. Your culture, your education, your experiences form a unique combination that makes you completely different from others.

Learn to say what you think

We keep our opinions to ourselves out of fear of “what they will say” or the reactions of others, but your opinion is valuable and must be expressed. Also, if you keep it to yourself, how will others know you?

It is only necessary to be respectful and speak assertively, so that others listen to us without taking offense. Sometimes your ideas will be different, but that does not mean that they should not be expressed.